it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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