don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
