My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
