In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
