Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I came so hard my ears popped.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
