Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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