I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
