I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
