I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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