yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
