I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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