I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
