last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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