Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
