would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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