You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
