you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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