I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize