there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
