Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
