Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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