Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
