Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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