i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
