i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
