I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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