hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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