I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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