Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
