All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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