Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
