Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
