Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
