i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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