but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm really busy with my period
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