...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
