I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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