Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
