also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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