I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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