nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
