Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
