I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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