guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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