Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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