yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
