I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
