Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
