Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
