we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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