I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
