I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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