That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
