Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
