I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
