just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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