I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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